Benefits of your toddler being able to say NO

1. You are building their confidence to set boundaries of their own. When it comes to children, we want them to grow up to have a voice, stand for what they belief, own who they are… YET most parents deny any chance of building these skills. Imagine how powerful it is to have mastered standing up for your values in teenage years with peers or in adulthood with employers and significant otheres without fear.


2. You are building trust and respect. When it comes to children, we want them to be honest and open with us…YET if we focus on beating down their opposition, there’s a very good chance they will distant themselves from us, hide things from us, or plain just lie to us. If our message to them is that we hold the power and their opposition isn’t appreciated, do you think they can trust us with their open, honest opinion? Well, maybe yes, but do you think it’s in a way of mutual understanding and respect? Probably not.


3. You are building collaboration and partnership. just because you’re respecting their No, doesn’t mean you are going to say let go of your own boundaries and limits. Here’s the final benefit: “No” is the start of a conversation that can lead to collaboration. It is not a destination, but a potential to see how both your needs can be met. You’re helping them skillfully navigate interpersonal conflicts with all their relationships to come.

We need it to be safe for children to say No to us because it alligns with what we want for them and what we want for our relationship with them.

You heard the “No”, so now what? Here’s 9 ways to move past a “No” to get some cooperation to do the task (or not *wink* See #9!).

Sometimes, just acknowledging the “No” is enough. “You’re saying No Food! You don’t want to eat. I see.” If the opposition comes from wanting your attention or for you to slow down a bit, this might soothe them enough and give them the time to join you again.

When you’re working with one word responses, it’s time to look beyond what they are saying to find what is it they DO want. “You’re saying no to eating. Hmm, I wonder if it’s hard to stop playing with your blocks. Let’s see, would you like to bring two blocks with you to the table so you can keep them safe?”

Another great tip for those seeking some connection time. Play is the language of childhood, and it can heal and bridge gaps between you and your child. “The choo choo train is leaving the station! Next stop: dining room! Who wants to get on?”

Find a way they can have some say. If they don’t want to come to the highchair to eat, can you offer them a sit on your lap? Can you offer them a choice of sitting on a toddler table for food? Be honest with yourself: if you hate juggling them on your lap for food, don’t offer this. At the same time, don’t feel that one time will create a bad habit. If it’s not a problem, it’s not a problem. If it becomes a problem, then it’s time to revisit how to effectively set boundaries and limits.

Lean into their love of wanting to do “real things” that you do. Ask them to participate. “You know I can use your help. Maybe you’d like to help me set the table? I haven’t gotten the placemats out of the dishwasher yet.”

“Do you want to be in charge of picking your cup for your milk? Can you help me decide which cup I should use today? Hmm, do you think we should have ice today in our water?

“Yes I bet you just want to stay here and play all day. Eating is a bit of a waste of time in a sense. Imagine if we never had to eat or do anything else, and we can just play. Maybe it can be our super power!”

If your child is not having any of it, chances are there are bottled up emotions at play. Think about it, 7 out of 10 interactions with toddlers is about controlling their time and behavior. Wouldn’t you have pent up frustration too? This was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

It’s time to pull the lever and relief some of that stress. Allowing space for them to show their disappointment and frustration will help with regulation. “I know sweetheart. It’s not easy having to stop doing something. It must be so hard to be told what’s going to happen so often.”

Do not fear disappointment and frustration; it’s all a part of the human experience. Now you have a chance to help them build skills by sitting with them through these emotions instead of just trying to make their emotions go away.

Yes, that’s right. Let go and let them have it their way. It might be strange to read this, but it is true. I often tell parents that they can just change their mind, and they look baffled. “But wouldn’t this just teach them they will always get their way with me?” Now, why would that be true?

If a limit is about safety, then that’s a hard stop. But if it’s one where you’d like your child to eat at this time because it just always is this way, but it’s an off day, then you have my permission to drop the limit (if you felt like you needed permission, there it is).

“You know what? I change my mind. You continue on. I will save the food and set out your snack early.” Not only does this show you are willing to partner with them, but it’s also a great way to model flexibility.