Am I Raising Ungrateful Kids?
How to Foster Gratitude
I love gift-giving. Nothing brings me more joy than watching someone open a gift I’ve carefully chosen, seeing their face light up because it’s perfect for them or just what they wanted.
But one Christmas morning, that love of gift giving gave way to something else – fear.
My son was ripping through his pile of presents, hardly glancing at one before moving on to the next. My daughter was following her brother, matching his pace like it was a competition of who can get through their pile the fastest. I felt a pang of disappointment with a good dose of fear in my chest. I thought:
Am I raising ungrateful kids?
It’s a question many parents quietly ask themselves during the holidays, especially when kids seem more focused on tearing open the next gift than appreciating what’s in front of them.
But here’s what I’ve come to realize: kids aren’t ungrateful—they’re overwhelmed: by the excitement, stimulation, and abundance of the holiday season. Gratitude isn’t something they instinctively know; it’s something we help them learn.
That moment didn’t show me that my child was ungrateful—it reinforced that kids need guidance to process the experience and connect the dots between the gift, the giver, and the meaning behind it.
Here’s what I’ve learned about navigating this situation and how we, as parents, can guide our kids toward gratitude.
Set the Stage for Gratitude Before the Gifts Come Out
Gratitude begins long before the first bow is untied. Taking a few moments to prepare kids can make a big difference.
- Explain the meaning of a gift: Talk about how gifts are a way people show love and thoughtfulness. Let kids know it’s okay if a gift isn’t exactly what they hoped for—they can still appreciate the effort behind it.
- Practice thoughtful responses: For older kids, teach phrases like, “Thank you for thinking of me!” or “This is so thoughtful.” For younger ones, let them know you’ll thank the giver on their behalf.
Model Gratitude While Opening Gifts
Kids take their cues from us. As they unwrap gifts, talk about the thoughtfulness behind each one.
- “Grandma picked these colors just for you—she knows how much you love painting.”
- “Aunt Sarah must’ve remembered your love for dinosaurs. Isn’t this perfect?”
This helps shift their focus from the gift itself to the intent and love behind it.
Make Connections Later: Gratitude Can Be Delayed
Kids might not fully connect with the meaning behind a gift right away—and that’s okay. Gratitude doesn’t always happen in the moment.
Take time later to talk about the thought and effort behind the gifts they received.
- “You know, Aunt Sarah remembered how much you love dinosaurs—that’s why she got you that set!”
- “Grandma must’ve spent a lot of time choosing those colors for your art supplies. She knows how much you love painting.”
This helps them see the connection between the gift, the giver, and the care behind it, even after the initial excitement has passed.
Gratitude is Not Performative
Don’t Rush It: Gratitude Is Not Performative
It’s tempting to want a moment of gratitude to happen right then and there as gifts are being opened, but it’s important to remember that gratitude isn’t about a grand performance.
Children may not have the capacity to process emotions in the moment, especially during the excitement of Christmas morning. Allow them to experience the joy of opening presents without pressuring them to deliver a polished “thank you” on cue.
Gratitude grows over time, not on demand.
Are They Ungrateful? Not At All
Gratitude isn’t innate—it’s a skill we model, nurture, and guide them toward. By preparing them, slowing things down, and focusing on connection, we can help our kids develop an appreciation for the thoughtfulness and love behind every gift.
So, if you’ve ever felt that same pang of disappointment, know you’re not alone but it’s also not a fear you need to hold onto. Now you know what you can do to teach this important skill for your kids as they grow.
Wishing you and your family a holiday season filled with joy, love, and moments of wonder!
